On themes, intentions and goals. And self-depricating thoughts.

Shortly before our vacation (just before Thanksgiving), I got laid off from my job. Most people’s first reaction when I tell them this is, “Aww, I’m sorry.” However, I don’t want people to feel bad for me. While I’m not excited to be sans job and therefore without a paycheck, it was no secret that I hated my job and this is truly a blessing in disguise. I’ve watched my two best friends go through their own unemployment struggles over the last couple of years so I felt like I was more prepared for it than if I’d not known anyone to experience it before me. Not that I know what I’m doing, by any means, but I wasn’t terrified when it happened. Actually, I was relieved.

But now the question is, “What comes next?” And this is the place where I am terrified. Hopeful, sure, but scared as hell as well. I have spent the last 5 years in a job that shoved me into this new skill where I had to figure out everything on my own. I did in order to survive, but I could have learned more if I’d had a teacher and much of what I learned, I did so by making mistakes. Which is NOT how I like to learn things. Sure, I know mistakes are going to happen, but it’s difficult to look back my work knowing what I know now and recognizing how much of it is wrong. And as this was a new skill, I have not spent much time on the skills I had when I entered the job/company and now feel like I am behind the curve. Much of what I do is becoming web driven and many most of the jobs I see posted want someone with extensive web design skills; which I don’t have. Nor do I feel I want to learn. Could I? Of course. But the web moves so fast and changes so frequently that I don’t feel that learning something new is in my best interest if I am already somewhat of a jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none sort of person.

So what to do? This is a question I ask myself on a daily basis, multiple times. And I don’t know the answer. I do know that I don’t want to rush out and take the first job I see just for the mere fact that it gives me a paycheck. I don’t want to end up in another situation like the last one where I feel stuck in a job I despise and thus, hate myself for it. But the problem is, I don’t really know what I want to do, or even what I’m good at. I’m kind of a master of self-depricating behavior, always thinking I’m fat, unattractive and less skilled and successful than those around me. And with that I’ve never been much good at talking about myself, much less translating my positive attributes into marketable skills.

So again, what to do? I’m starting with being honest and practical about it all. At the end of the day I want to feel like I’m appreciated and that I’m adding some sort of value to something, be it a company or a charitable cause. I want to feel inspired and good about what I’m doing and how I’m doing it. I don’t want to just go through the motions anymore. I want to feel. Deeply. I want to connect. But how and where and how does that or will that pay my bills? These are all things I have to figure out.

I know I need to challenge myself, that’s for sure. Remaining in my comfort zone is what kept me in that miserable place for 5 years and refuse to do that again. I’ve started a little bit, speaking to a business coach and signing up for a course on planning. But I’m struggling with that too as I am so busy that I’m not giving these things the attention and energy they deserve and thus, my heart’s not in it. I was tasked with creating a theme for myself for 2012 and it literally petrifies me. I have a hard enough time even knowing what I want right now much less for a whole year. And I’ve never been one for formal goal setting. Perhaps that’s what gotten me in this position as I never seemed to have a path all mapped out. I’ll figure something out, at some point. Whether that’s next week, next month, or even this time next year, it’s got to happen. I just hope that I make the right decisions without having to sacrifice my hopes and values.

I don’t if this is relatable to anyone or if it makes no sense at all. I do know that it feels good to get it out on paper. However, if anyone has a rich dead uncle they’d like to lend me, I’d be game for that too.

Top image via AllCity Media